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Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Once upon a time...

... in a far away land, there was a little girl dreaming of leading a happy life in the future. She had everything planned in her head... she would have a wonderful job, she would marry her Charming prince, have loads of babies and live happy ever after. Apparently it wasn't to be... the little girl turned into a young lady with a job she likes but doesn't really love, a man she loves but can't really have, childless... and a life that isn't all that happy! I wish things had been different... I wish I could have had the power to change things... but I really didn't have the means for that! In the meantime, I'm still stuck with this pathetic boring life. This place makes me depressed and miserable, I hate being here. People suck here... honestly, why do these French people have the intelligence of a teaspoon?

For a little while I've been thinking about moving abroad again... I wanted to go back to the only place I can call home... London... but again, everything's so expensive it drives me mad. I've always wanted to have my own little abode, a place that really belongs to me but honestly, how could I ever afford it? I don't know... everything seems so difficult at the moment. Maybe I should just move somewhere else, start a new life, forget about everything... forget about all these people calling themselves friends that end up back-stabbing you when you expect it the least... forget about these members of your family that think you're a loser because you don't really reach their expectations, because you're not what they wanted you to be... that's sad to have people like this around you, it's doesn't make my life any easier. I should be used to it by now... I've always been the black sheep in this bloody family after all.

My heart is aching with all this mess... I feel kind of... useless. Yeah, that's the word I was looking for. No one needs me and I suppose everyone could live happy even without me being here. That's what makes me sad. I perfectly know there's nothing for me here and that's why I have this huge need to escape. I was thinking about moving to Dublin, spend time with my friend there, try to improve my life, try to forget I've ever been in love... but I don't know if I'll ever manage to. Some things are deeply engraved in my heart, emotions that no matter what you do, no matter where you go, will always leave a deep cut in your heart...




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