Today's Mood:


Thursday, November 13, 2003

The other day I was going through my blog and read this comment about my last entry posted by Jay… saying that I could be a sensitive lady underneath my tough appearance. Now, let’s put things straight here… I am not a tough girl. People tend to think I am just because I don’t show my feelings easily and that’s so not true. The truth is that I am very sensitive, perhaps too much but I don’t cry easily in front of people because I have my pride, you know?!? But that’s different when I am on my own. I just let the tears out because it feels good and relieves me when I am not feeling right. I just don’t want people to see me cuz then they’ll know that I a weak. So well, I am not tough. I just pretend to be, really. If you want to know how sensitive I am just try to imagine me sitting in the sofa with a box of chocolates and a whole bag of tissues, crying my eyes out in front of a sad movie… Braveheart usually breaks my heart into pieces… I can’t help crying every time I see it, even though I perfectly know how it’s going to end. I guess deep inside, I am hoping the end’s different… who knows?!?! Worse, I can even cry watching Bridget Jones’ diary… see?!?
That said, I am not the one denying being a bit of a rebel. But that’s just the way I am, you know? I think I started my evolution from my bed when I used to throw my lolly out of the bed just because I knew somebody would come to pick it up and would end up giving me a huge hug. Then when I was 3, I decided nappies were not very handy and it was so much funnier to wander around the house in my birth suit… as soon as I had a new one on, I’d wait until everyone was out of sight and take it off. Unfortunately for my parents, I still did not know how to ask for the loos… eh eh eh!!! When I was around 4 or 5 years old and the family used to spend the whole summer near the seaside, I decided I’d had enough of having my parents behind my back whenever I wanted to go anywhere near the shore. I remember walking away from my parents,, hidden in a bath towel… the water seemed so tempting so I just put one foot in, then another and only realised what was happening when I felt my dad’s hand grabbing my swimming suit just in time to stop me from drowning… looks like I was pretty adventurous as well, eh?!?! Another example of my revolution… I used to live with my grand parents as a baby up to the age of 9 actually. Anyway, when I was around 6 I had that very strange period when I used to sleep all the time instead of playing with my fellow friends. Of course, my grand parents didn’t quite agree with me sleeping all the time and would keep me busy giving me small things to do. Once I got really fed up with not being allowed to do what I please so I just decided to hide under the bed for a while so they’d stop giving me stuff to do. The only thing I would never have suspected was how boring it was and ended up falling asleep (much to my pleasure actually). Apparently, during all the time I spent asleep under the bad, my grand parents searched for me around town like maniacs, got all our neighbours and family to search as well, called the police and every single hospital in the area. When I woke up about 4 hours later, they were all sitting in the living room, waiting for news from the police. Seeing them there, all together made me think there was some kind of party going… how wrong I was. A red-faced grand dad got up, came closer to me and pulled my ears so hard that it stayed red for a couple of days. I really didn’t understand what I had done wrong at the time… I mean, I’d only been sleeping right? Anyway, all this to say that I am not a tough person. Just pretend to be.

Nothing much interesting going on in the love side. Meeting loads of new guys but not really what I am looking for. Seen that guy many times… he’s so gorgeous, nice and very funny. But although I quite like him it won’t lead me anywhere as he’s not prepared for any kind of commitment until he’s 30… that’s a shame I guess!!! Anyway, I am a very complicated heart. I start fancying the pants of someone but then I just get really fed up you know… it feels weird because one day I feel extremely good with him and the next he really gets on my nerves and I end up finding him the worst qualities in the worse. Now, don’t get me wrong. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have a heart or anything. I just didn’t find the right one yet… I assume I will one day and I got to be patient but honestly, it’s getting on my tits at the moment!!! The problem is that I have to feel extremely good with a guy, I need to know that he cares about me, he needs to make me laugh and most of all I need to feel confident enough with him. These are the most important ingredients for a successful relationship. I just want to be myself with that person, and not pretend to be someone I am not just because I am scared to make him run away. But once I fall in love… jesus, you wouldn’t recognise me at all. I spend my days wandering in dreamland. Whenever my lover’s name’s mentioned I get all red and can’t stop blushing for hours. I get all funny whenever I am by his side and can’t help muttering silly things… it’s as if my brain stopped working whenever he’s around. Sounds pathetic, doesn’t it? But although it’s difficult for me to fall in love, when I do I am a 100 per cent into it. I’ll do anything I can to make it work. I am not that kind of lady that starts an argument with a guy just because he’s spent hours partying with his mates or just because I haven’t seen him in 2 days. Simply because I am a very independent person and need my freedom and I assume the same applies for my other half. Of course you can be together, but that doesn’t necessarily means that you got to turn your life upside down, right? That said, even though I could give my life for my beloved one, it would be really difficult to forgive or even forget a betrayal. I’ve been hurt a couple of times in the past and I always forgave. But then I’d end up being twice as hurt as before. This resulted in me shutting my heart and being unable to forgive. I think it’s sad, because I reckon everyone deserves a second chance… but don’t worry, I am working on it!!!

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