Today's Mood:


Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Yesterday I had one of the weirdest days of my life, and the weirdest conversation I’ve ever had. It’s incredible how far a conversation can go and how many things you get to know in so little time. I found out how deep my feelings for my special guy are and it scares me. After my split with Rob I promised myself I’d never trust a man anymore but it’s happening… somehow he managed to prove himself to be a loyal and caring man. That’s what I like the most, he’s gentle and honest with me and I appreciate it more than he can imagine. But still, having all my trust, I am scared my feelings get deeper and I am disappointed… not because of him! Am scared of myself because it seems to me that my love for a person destroys everything. Am scared of the distance and the most important, I am scared of the unknown …
It may sound contradictory but although I am scared, I’m also enjoying the fact of being able to fully trust someone and have feelings towards that special guy when I was expecting it the least.
I still remember how it all begun… a simple caring relation! And somehow my feelings for him started to change and I realised that wherever I went I’d think about him. He’s constantly in my mind and I keep wondering what he’s doing… that’s insane, isn’t it? I know that. I am perfectly aware of what’s happening and I’m not going to try to change the way I feel simply because I haven’t felt that happy and peaceful for a long time.
Now… I absolutely got to find money, no matter how… I really have to find money for a plane ticket. And believe me, usually when I want something I always manage to have it… no matter how hard it is! I want to go se him, I need to hold him in my arms… I can’t explain why I need it so much, but for a couple of days that’s the only thought going through my mind.
I’m crazy … I know I am! So now, how am I going to manage to tell everybody about that… it’s not that simple! Can you imagine me telling mom I have strong feelings for a man but unfortunately he’s miles away? I am not sure she’d understand… she’s never understood me anyway, why would she start now? I don’t care… I’ll find a way! Because if I don’t they’re going to carry on trying to find myself a guy, whom I am going to hate!
Jesus… that’s an impossible situation, If someone could help I’d more than appreciate it. Any useful piece of advice?

Note to my special guy: thank you so much for brightening my day baby. You really are making me happy.

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